Teaching Funk

I'm in kind of a teaching funk lately. Which is unfortunate because I have applied to be a Spanish teacher at 5 different universities/colleges in Ohio and California. I call this a funk because maybe it is temporary and I will fall back in line in a couple of days, as many of us often do... Personally, I think I'm good at teaching Spanish for the most part. I try to simplify grammar by making it visual, and I break it down thoroughly. I've had students say that compared to previous Spanish teachers I make things very understandable. Then again, I think every TA probably has some students tell them that because we all teach differently and all students learn best through different strategies.

Enter: the problem. When I get anxious, all of my well-thought-out planning goes to shit. I start to confuse myself, and when that happens how am I supposed to explain it to a room of 21 confused faces? I get the simplest madlibs terms (verbs, nouns) mixed up not because I forget what they are, but because under pressure I'm just spitting out words without thinking. Try explaining why the gerund in English is actually represented in Spanish through both the infinitive and the gerund. And the thing is, I have done that successfully. To a T. Twice. This is my third time teaching this lesson. But something escaped me this time. After some toying with the concepts last night, I think I've broken it down adequately, and I will be reviewing the lesson to make sure it's clear. But when you have a room full of students giving you nonverbal clues that they have no idea what you are talking about, it's a little disheartening.

And that isn't even necessarily why I have been thinking that I don't want to teach. Mostly I feel less enthused about the whole thing for two reasons.
1. Many students here HAVE to take a foreign language. They don't want to be there, they hate Spanish, and they fight me and the language every step of the way. This makes it hard for me to get the information through to them, because all they can think about is how miserable they are taking a class that "will never help" them "in the real world" (I beg to differ by the by). When they resist, it really is just making it harder on them. I end up spending so much time dumbing down the material that the students who actually do care are bored stupid. I would like to apologize to them, because they are the best students.
2. Because we are in a system where grades mean everything, students want to fight with me over every point. Most often, they try to weasel their way out of the attendance policy, which I follow strictly in order to keep my job. Lately students have been basically asking me what each point I take off is for. If I give a student a 4/5 on participation for March 28, they want to know why. What happened to the authority of a teacher? I think that being a TA makes students think they can walk all over you. Especially with me because I do happen to take it easy on them sometimes. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Anyway, maybe if I could teach a Spanish class full of people that actually want to be there, I would be happy with my job. And those few students who care and try do make it all worth while. So it feels hypocritical to make those students sit through the bullshit so that I can make things easier on the students who don't study or pay attention as much. So it might be time for a new policy.

Also I don't think chai is much better when it comes to anxiety. I guess I'm going to have to resort to...hot water? Megann suggested yerba mate. I haven't gotten the good ol' mate out in a while, so that might be my experimental pick-me-up drink next week.