I Am Not Colorblind

I have a lot of students with the same name in the same class. In fact, I have two Zachs in my class this quarter, and they sit right next to each other. When I call on them in class, I call one Zach and one Zachary to try to avoid confusion. Zach is white, Zachary is black.

Yesterday, I had students circulate around the room to interview one another using the grammar we had just gone over. When it was time for students to share their findings, I asked "Who interviewed Zach?" When a lot of people raised their hand, I realized that people who had interviewed both were raising their hands. I looked over to them, saw Zach had a hat on, and said "The Zach with the white hat." My mentioning of white set off a wave of uncomfortable-ness. Zachary started cracking up, saying "white Zach in the white hat!" A lot of people in the class looked uncomfortable because of this declaration of race. As if we should all be colorblind.

There was a time when I thought that must be the best solution. That is, to avoid talking about race, pretending not to see it. Listening to the way my family would talk about people according to their race, at my graduation: "those black people sitting in front of us were so obnoxious during the ceremony," has made me aware of how one can bring up race unnecessarily, or in the wrong context. Had there been white obnoxious people in front of them during my graduation ceremony, I know they still would have complained. But because they prescribe to the idea that white is like the "default race," they would never have said "those white people sitting in front of us were so obnoxious during the ceremony." White would not have been a descriptor. I can't entirely blame my family for the way they see the world. I have tried to explain to them how I find that using race in this way is offensive. So when it is unnecessary, I really don't think race needs to be brought up.

However, it is quite another thing to pretend not to see race, to avoid even talking about it, and to generally invoke a policy of colorblindness. This doesn't make you enlightened, progressive or tolerant. It exposes ignorance. Why else do you think Stephen Colbert uses it as an ironic element to his on-screen personality on the Colbert Report? Colorblindness is something that intolerant people use as an excuse to pretend that they are tolerant. This is just like when people say "I don't care what gay (/trans/bi/queer) people do as long as they don't flaunt it in my face." It is a way to feign tolerance while simultaneously being intolerant.

I don't know if things will change in regards to this topic in my lifetime, but I know that I am ending a legacy of intolerance in my family by refusing to continue traditions aligning with the -isms of intolerance. I hope that many other people are similarly challenging ways in which they were brought up that might be similarly racist, sexist, classist and homophobic.

Career Commitment Phobia and Higher Education ADD

So I am coming to the end of my thesis. I am working on my results section, which is pretty much the final nail in the ol' thesis coffin. I will of course make many alterations to the other 4 chapters I have "finished," but what I am trying to get at is, the end is nigh. With school, there is always an end in sight with each little step of the way. But most of these ends are actually little hiccups. They are little pauses in productivity where you can actually not feel guilty for taking a break because you finished an assignment. Sometimes these hiccups are very short-sighted, like when I have a 2-page reading response. Once I get that done, I have reached the end of a task, one more thing to check off the list. Some hiccups are a little longer. Most notably, once I finish a semester, I get rewarded with a little vacation before it is time to load up with a fresh set of deadlines. My big pending deadline with my thesis is less of a hiccup and more of...the cliff of higher education, maybe. This means that once this thesis is really done, and I have reached my deadlines, there is no assignment waiting for me on the other side. Well except for maybe one...Get a job.

I like the sense of accomplishment I get out of completing an assignment or a semester. It gives me an excuse to let loose, travel, sleep, play videogames, consume substances. It lets me pretend that I am not responsible for meaningful productivity, at least for a little while. I don't think that a career gives me this same kind of freedom. After working for a company for a while, sure, I'll get paid vacation (or not. See my post about working for nonprofits). But there is no final assignment per se. I just think there are less hiccups to take advantage of in the real world.

Deep down I think I secretly hope that all of this hard work will pay off in that I will eventually build up enough productivity credits so that I will never have to be productive again. I know it's not just me, but all us Generation Y-ers are on this quest to do as little as possible while making the most amount of money possible. To be blatantly and embarrassingly honest, that is what I want, too. But you know, if I could sit around and watch movies, play videogames and consume substances all day every day, it probably wouldn't take me too long to get sick of that, too. I think I've gotten to the root of my problem in that I tire of things very easily. I want to complete one thing so I can move onto the next new thing.

Case in point: If I choose a career, I am afraid that I will get sick of it very quickly. My BA is in Spanish, but I also received certificates for Environmental Studies and Latin American Studies during my undergrad. I took a bunch of Plant Biology classes to change pace from those three areas of study. Now I am working toward my masters in LAS, and my thesis focuses on gender. Now I am obsessed with feminism and gender. My "skills minor" for the program is Second Language Education which comes from a combination of teaching Spanish, English and learning Portuguese. In other words, I am all over the map. What kind of job can I find that encompasses all of these things? Because I'll tell you right now, if I choose a career as a Spanish teacher I will get bored with the endless sea of grading and lesson-planning and teaching a language instead of something a little more "enlightening." If I work for a nonprofit that focuses on "women's issues" I will get bored with such a narrow scope. If I work for an environmental organization, I will probably get sick of that, too. Just like I quit softball, horseback riding and piano lessons when I was younger, even if it's just for fun, I can't stay with the same thing forever.

That is why I am thinking more and more about pursuing a PhD. Because I am ready to move on to something completely different. By going for a PhD, maybe I will not feel trapped in what I am doing, as it will not be set in stone as a career choice. I have already thought of possible dissertation topics that have nothing to do with gender or the environment. I want to study geography or media studies.

Hi. My name is Melissa and I have higher education ADD and career commitment phobia.

Prioritize your Life

You would think with my chronic and excessive worrying that I would be really good at prioritizing my most pressing obligations. My particular branch of worrying does not function that way.

Until my junior year of high school, I would say I was the opposite of a procrastinator. I would get an assignment, start working on it that day, and have it finished way before the deadline. Friends and acquaintances, panicking while throwing together an assignment at the last minute, would always blame their habit of procrastinating. Sometimes, they would ask me how I was coming along on said assignment, and I would lie, faking a procrastinator lifestyle myself. Why did I want to appear to be a procrastinator? It could have been because I wished that I had tons of cool things to keep me from doing my assigned work, or that dreaded "learning isn't cool" attitude that plagues not only high school, but college students as well (I see this play out in my Spanish class all of the time). Maybe because "everyone else" was procrastinating, I wanted to too. By my junior year of high school, I began to embrace the thrill of procrastination, as I adopted a more, *ahem*, well-rounded lifestyle that mixed work and play. Now, my very definition of self revolves around this balance between work and play. While I might not go out as much as I did in my undergrad, I cannot function in the academic realm without cramming in many hours of (what I call) recreation.

So now I am a procrastinator, I guess. At the very least, even if I do something productive, I do not prioritize. Exhibit A- This very blog. I should not be writing in this now, and if you get right down to it, I never should have started "La Pajarita Dice" in the first place. At least not until I knocked out my (supposed) number one priority, my master's thesis. (by the way, I just looked it up, and master's thesis isn't supposed to be capitalized).<-web of procrastination. In general, I make myself productive in some way to prove to myself that I am still as diligent as my early high school years. So I will feel productive after I write this entry. I will also feel productive after I look up 5 different versions of "Welcome to Tijuana" by Manu Chao to find the one most appropriate to play for my Spanish class, then think of some discussion questions to go to the song (will I write them on the board or use powerpoint?) Oh yeah, and I already planned today's class in its entirety, so I really shouldn't be adding anything. We rarely get through my whole lesson plan each class period anyway. This is my Exhibit B. Exhibit C- Then there are things I feel guilty about putting off, but when I do them I will be putting off thesis work to do them. Like working out. I have Wii Fit so I can have no excuse not to exercise. It's too cold outside, Ping Rec Center is too far, I can't leave the house right now. Well, that's what exergaming is for.


In case you haven't guessed, I am about to go do some Wii Fit to rid myself of this guilt. What will I do about the guilt I have about not even looking at a thesis-related document today? Maybe I will get some reading done for my Women and Gender Studies class, and that will be academically productive. Right? RIGHT? Ooo maybe I'll go grocery shopping! Needless to say, I will probably leave the most important thing for last.

Rage on the Internets

I would like to think of myself as a normally calm and collected person, but this simply is not really the case. Thankfully I have come to shed my childhood temper tantrums, but I still get rage, a deep and blinding anger. Thankfully, I try to surround myself with positive and like-minded people to avoid rage-invoking exposures. Things I read online, however, really bring me closer than comfort to some of the people with opinions that trigger my anger. This leads to my unnecessary dwelling and unexplainable preoccupation over some racist asshole's comment on the Facebook group, [I am for] Making Drug Tests required to Get Welfare.

At this time, I will not go into the myriad of things wrong with this group. If your values align with my own, I don't need to. My problem is that I dwell on the fact that this group exists, and that people I am "friends" with are members of this group. I get so angry about this that I can't even get into an intelligible conversation or argument with anyone who believes this way because I can't craft an argument without getting emotional or belligerent (or both). And if I were to present a beautiful argument, wouldn't they just wait for their turn to present their counter-points, thus not listening to what I had to say anyway? That is probably what I would do.

Today, I was reading Sungold's post: Charging Hard against Dodge's Dude-ism. (To summarize, a feminist counter-commercial was produced as a response to Dodge's misogynist Charger commercial). I went to check out comments it was getting on youtube, expecting some "hell yeah" and "about time!"s. Instead...well take a look for yourself. As much as several hours after reading those comments and fuming over them for the first time, I was standing in line at Chipotle when I started thinking about the comments, the people who wrote the comments, and the unspeakable violent acts I wanted to perform at their expense. My face flushed up and my heart started racing. It was a Friday afternoon, I had no class, and I should have otherwise been enjoying myself thinking of my long weekend ahead. Instead, I was fuming and clouding my mind with negative thoughts because I read the words of people whose personal beliefs deviate a great deal from my own. And for what? It is not worth stressing myself out to this extent just because I am looking things of interest up on my free time.

I watch FoxNews, I get into arguments with my parents about Cash for Clunkers and homosexuality in the Bible. It is like I go out looking to pick fights. But I really don't excel at making eloquent arguments, no matter how strong my convictions. Maybe when I finally learn how to do that, I will stop spending my down time raising my blood pressure dwelling upon it.

Frustrations over our 21st Century Capitalistic World

It is no wonder that the peace-loving hippies of the 1960's sold out, turning in their flower power for a corporate job and a briefcase. Nonprofit work just does not bring home the bacon....

Here is some context for the rant that will follow: Through his Masters in Public Administration Program, Jose has been working tirelessly on a business plan for the Athens local Habitat for Humanity for a ReStore, which is a community shop where low-income individuals and families can purchase discounted building materials. Although he gets a little school credit, he is essentially working for free, often 20 hours a week on this project. Recently, one of the key coordinators for this project told Jose that with his knowledge of the business side of the project, Jose himself could manage the ReStore when it gets up and running. The salary for such work? $20,000. I am not certain, but I am pretty sure that health benefits are not included.

Here at OU, Group 3 hires, professors with PhDs mind you, are only offered $2,500 per class per quarter, and once again, no health benefits. In fact, it is a well-known fact that educators in general are not paid enough, considering how crucially important their job is. Education truly is the foundation of the lives of not only academics, but everyone, really. We all start out with a relatively clean slate, I believe, and through our families, our communities and our experience in school, we become who we are later in life. But I diverge.

Why are nonprofit workers and educators paid so little when their professions mean so much to so many people? Why does an executive at Proctor and Gamble get paid a buttload for essentially selling products? If Obama really wants to make this nation CHANGE, then why does he not provide incentives for people who stray away from the profitable sector in lieu of a career more...I'll use "altruistic" for lack of a better term, but Ayn Rand would surely hate me. I guess it is because the US thrives a lot more off of profit-building than making the world a better place for the marginalized.

In Jose's words: "Do you know who probably does have a program with incentives like that? Chavez." And he is right. Granted, every day I like Hugo Chavez a little less. There just isn't enough room for him AND his ego. But that discussion is for another day. One thing that Hugo Chavez has done right has been his social programming.

So what kind of incentives do I think should be offered? Maybe people should be (financially) encouraged to study certain subjects, like education and social work. And then there is the age-old argument that teachers should be paid more. In my opinion, teachers have the most important job in the world, and I though that long before I ever even thought I might teach. And I hear the counter-argument over and over again: "If you pay teachers more then people will try to become teachers because they want money, not for the love of teaching." Well, Obama is apparently trying to get the ball rolling to pay teachers more, but what worries me is that it is "based on how their students perform." Not that I don't think teachers should be paid more if their students perform above average, but it is the whole idea of this "performance" that bothers me. Nowadays, teachers are handed scripts to read verbatim in their classes, and McDonalds sponsors health class curriculum. Eventually under this system, will physical teachers' bodies even be necessary? Or will we just head our classrooms with a computer and fit the students with shock collars to provide disciplinary measures?

Once again, I diverge. Moving on to non-profit work... How are we supposed to make any kind of living on the wages of nonprofit work? I do not think many people are. That is why for the most part we age, get more conservative, and sell out just like the hippies. If you have mouths to feed, a family (and yourself) to take care of, you're going to head over to Proctor and Gamble rather than Habitat for Humanity if they offer you four times as much money plus benefits in exchange for the same skill set.

When I set out to do my thesis research, I expected to see the headquarters of environmental organizations brimming with mothers fighting for environmental justice for their communities and the futures of their children. Instead, thirteen out of the nineteen women I interviewed were not mothers at all. Of those six that are mothers, five of them only started their environmental work after their children became independent.

I would like to say that it isn't all about money. I want to live comfortably but I don't need luxury. But my generation has been a spoiled one, and the one coming up is even moreso. I know my parents scraped and struggled to give me the world. Although neither of them went to college, and I do not know their salaries per se, I know that if I were not an only child, my family would have struggled financially to produce the lifestyle I have become accustomed to. A la Daniel Quinn's Ishmael, I am already too "Taker" for my own good. I am too weak to just surrender my Taker lifestyle in exchange for a leaver one. But what compromises am I going to have to make in my future if I want to live a life of service in education or the nonprofit sector? Does my worry about money run completely contrary to what I should believe as an "altruistic" individual. Maybe Ayn Rand had a point, but it saddens me that people in the US (and now the world over as globalization leaves no stone unturned) are encouraged to be so selfish, so individualistic.

I could go on and on and on, but I will stop here. Am I going to sell out some day? One more thing to worry about...

The lift

Elevators can be awkward spaces to share with strangers, and my experience yesterday was no exception. Usually I'm a stairs kind of person. No, I swear. When I was little, I saw this episode of Our House where Wilford Brimley gets stuck on an elevator with an infant and some other guy, and it really traumatized me. In the event of the necessity to use an elevator, I used to lie to my parents and tell them that elevators gave me motion sickness, so I had to take the stairs. Well, I guess I have gotten over that fear, but in general elevators don't play into my day-to-day. But yesterday I had to go back and forth between the 2nd and basement floor of Gordy Hall, so I opted for the elevator. I got on with an awkward gentleman who started to get off while I was getting on, but then realized it was the wrong floor for him. He pushed the "close elevator door" button frantically. When he arrived to his floor, he proceeded to press said button AGAIN on his way OUT of the elevator while I was still in it. As the door closed, I saw him almost bump into several people on his way out of the building. On top of all this, I couldn't help but think of the placebo button.

Blog numero uno

Oh dear, it appears as though I have started a blog. And why would I want to do that? Well, I will tell you right now, friend. As I approach the end of my penultimate quarter at Ohio University, I realize that although graduate school for me has been a stress-filled adventure, I thrive on academic discussions. My interests include, but are not limited to:
1. Feminism and Gender studies (study of gender within the media, studies of femininities and masculinities, the study of women and the environment)
2. Race studies
3. Latin America in general -> Mexico more specifically, and Venezuela on occasion.-> Tijuana/San Diego most specifically. Haiti has also always fascinated me from what I have learned from Randall Robinson and Franz Fanon
4. Environmental Studies- my knowledge of this is more on the political and/or educational side than the scientific side of, say, climate change.
5. Literature (although my formal education seems to be getting in the way of my pleasure reading)
6. Foreign Languages (Spanish and Portuguese)
7....and along with foriegn languages, travel
8. Teaching (something I never thought I would find such an interest in, but now as a Spanish teacher, it's a pretty big part of my life)
9. Film- I love movies. Especially the films of Vincent Gallo, Werner Herzog, Wes Anderson, Harmony Korrine, Lars von Trier, and Alejandro González Iñárritu to name the tip top.

Those are my interests right off the top of my head thinking about classes I've taken, research I've participated in, literature I've read, and things, places and people with which/whom I have come into contact. Of course my discussions on this blog will not be limited to such materials.
Right now might not be the best time to begin such an endeavor, as it will probably distract me from the real tasks at hand in my life, which are:

1. Assignments for my capstone course for the Women's and Gender Studies certificate
2. My thesis on Women and Environmental Advocacy on the US-Mexico Border
3. Lesson planning and teaching Spanish 112- the second in a series of 3 beginning Spanish classes.
4. Figuring out what life will be for me after I graduate with my Master's Degree in Latin American Studies (will I move to San Diego or am I doomed to stay in cold and snowy Ohio, working at Columbus State?)
5. Research assistance-ship hours with my academic advisor/Chair for my thesis committee, Risa Whitson.
6. Planning my presentations for A.) the International Student Union Research Symposium and B.) the Ohio Latinamericanist Conference.

As I finish up my Master's Degree I will probably be blogging sporadically and mostly about content pertaining to my classes and my thesis. As I mentioned previously, I am starting this blog so that I can continue to engage in meaningful and thoughtful "conversation" about my interests and passions. I encourage readers to post comments so that a dialogue can grow from my comments and questions. I welcome your ideas, comments, suggestions and questions. Thanks for reading!