So I am coming to the end of my thesis. I am working on my results section, which is pretty much the final nail in the ol' thesis coffin. I will of course make many alterations to the other 4 chapters I have "finished," but what I am trying to get at is, the end is nigh. With school, there is always an end in sight with each little step of the way. But most of these ends are actually little hiccups. They are little pauses in productivity where you can actually not feel guilty for taking a break because you finished an assignment. Sometimes these hiccups are very short-sighted, like when I have a 2-page reading response. Once I get that done, I have reached the end of a task, one more thing to check off the list. Some hiccups are a little longer. Most notably, once I finish a semester, I get rewarded with a little vacation before it is time to load up with a fresh set of deadlines. My big pending deadline with my thesis is less of a hiccup and more of...the cliff of higher education, maybe. This means that once this thesis is really done, and I have reached my deadlines, there is no assignment waiting for me on the other side. Well except for maybe one...Get a job.
I like the sense of accomplishment I get out of completing an assignment or a semester. It gives me an excuse to let loose, travel, sleep, play videogames, consume substances. It lets me pretend that I am not responsible for meaningful productivity, at least for a little while. I don't think that a career gives me this same kind of freedom. After working for a company for a while, sure, I'll get paid vacation (or not. See my post about working for nonprofits). But there is no final assignment per se. I just think there are less hiccups to take advantage of in the real world.
Deep down I think I secretly hope that all of this hard work will pay off in that I will eventually build up enough productivity credits so that I will never have to be productive again. I know it's not just me, but all us Generation Y-ers are on this quest to do as little as possible while making the most amount of money possible. To be blatantly and embarrassingly honest, that is what I want, too. But you know, if I could sit around and watch movies, play videogames and consume substances all day every day, it probably wouldn't take me too long to get sick of that, too. I think I've gotten to the root of my problem in that I tire of things very easily. I want to complete one thing so I can move onto the next new thing.
Case in point: If I choose a career, I am afraid that I will get sick of it very quickly. My BA is in Spanish, but I also received certificates for Environmental Studies and Latin American Studies during my undergrad. I took a bunch of Plant Biology classes to change pace from those three areas of study. Now I am working toward my masters in LAS, and my thesis focuses on gender. Now I am obsessed with feminism and gender. My "skills minor" for the program is Second Language Education which comes from a combination of teaching Spanish, English and learning Portuguese. In other words, I am all over the map. What kind of job can I find that encompasses all of these things? Because I'll tell you right now, if I choose a career as a Spanish teacher I will get bored with the endless sea of grading and lesson-planning and teaching a language instead of something a little more "enlightening." If I work for a nonprofit that focuses on "women's issues" I will get bored with such a narrow scope. If I work for an environmental organization, I will probably get sick of that, too. Just like I quit softball, horseback riding and piano lessons when I was younger, even if it's just for fun, I can't stay with the same thing forever.
That is why I am thinking more and more about pursuing a PhD. Because I am ready to move on to something completely different. By going for a PhD, maybe I will not feel trapped in what I am doing, as it will not be set in stone as a career choice. I have already thought of possible dissertation topics that have nothing to do with gender or the environment. I want to study geography or media studies.
Hi. My name is Melissa and I have higher education ADD and career commitment phobia.
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