Obligatory Unemployment Update

This is not going to be an insightful post, but I want to get back in the habit of posting in response to articles, politics, books, etc., so check back later if that is what you're into. If you want to hear an update of my life, just keep reading faithful friends...

Festies
I have been having dreams about festivals nearly nightly. I did get to go to Camp Bisco after all, and it was the best festival I have ever been to, despite the fact that none of my close friends were in attendance. I got to know my travel buddies (Jessy and Ed) right quick. Jessy and I spend most of the sleep-deprived 12-hour car ride bonding over our similarities and differences. So hooray for new friends! And hooray for awesome music! I missed a couple of performances I really wanted to see, but I did get to catch Pretty Lights, Beats Antique, Major Lazer, Eskmo, Bassnectar, Thievery Corporation, Orchard Lounge, LCD Soundsystem, some Album Leaf and of course was rocking Silent Disco nightly.
So Camp Bisco did really satisfy my festival needs, although my dreams seem to suggest otherwise, and I still will be going to Papadosio's Rootwire Music Festival next weekend. That might have to be it for the summer, as my funds are dwindling away to nothing. Perhaps I will make it to SummerDance at Nelson's Ledges though, I love that venue, and I know many of my friends will be there. Will you?

The Job Hunt
Yes, it rages on. My CV is my most-opened document on my computer and I have nauseated myself with endless cover letters. I have gotten more and more desperate to find something, anything, that will be reasonable for employment. I have not yet closed the door on the possibility for the San Diego Americorps/USPIRG position, but as I said in a previous entry, it doesn't pay enough to sustain California life. Today I have applied to a sushi restaurant in Columbus, and the Ohio branch of the Universal Health Care Action Network. I emailed some OU folk to express my interest in returning to teach (I would probably only get 1 or 2 classes, if I'm lucky, and there might not be available openings even every quarter). Things are getting desperate.

Thesis
It's available online! Check it out here!

Other Happenings
I am not at liberty to share all of my current activities here at this time. I have been visiting various friends and I want to especially plug Alix Reese here, who is such a trooper, and such a joy to visit, despite how sad her current situation is. She is still full of life, totally with it, and funny as ever. She is at the Cleveland Clinic now, getting a pacer put in so that hopefully she will be able to get her voice back up and running again. Lip reading has been challenging, but Alix and her family are very encouraging, telling me that I am actually really good at it. I wish Alix all the best of luck in her upcoming operations, and I hope you will too. If you are a friend of Alix, please take some time to visit her at the Regency Hospital when she is back. Morning visits are the best. We could even go together!
I'm still working on that article with my advisor, and my part of the deal is almost over. So I went through with it, and some day soon people may be citing me! (Whitson and Myers 2011). Hell yes....

Thesis Defense in Lunch Lady Land

Here is a short narrative of the most memorable part of my thesis defense. And no, it is not about the moment when Risa came out into the hall and said to me "congratulations" with a big smile on her face. But that was definitely my favorite part. Spectators may have been more entertained by someone known to me only as "The Lunch Lady."

I wanted to defend my thesis in the same building I teach in every day, just to give me the safety and security of a familiar place. However, the only room that was open during my scheduled thesis defense time was a community room, complete with a stinky refrigerator where faculty and staff can put their lunches (and obviously forget them for weeks).

Less than 5 minutes into my presentation, a woman walks nonchalantly into the room, and gets a plastic bag out of the fridge. The resulting smell from her opening the refrigerator horrified as all, but not as much as the 3 minute ritual said "Lunch Lady" performed over her lunch on a counter-top mere feet away from me where I was presenting. I looked to my thesis advisor, "what should I do?" "Keep going if it won't distract you." Well after said 3-ish minutes of the Lunch Lady noisily unpacking and repacking her lunch in various (dare I say millions?) of containers and plastic bags. *rustle rustle rattle rattle* I couldn't take it any more. Everyone is looking at one another in disbelief as Lola snaps some winning candid shots of the moment (pictured below). "I'm sorry, but can I wait until she is done?" I wait for a few seconds before asking this individual (who obviously lacks some social graces and manners) if she was planning on being done anytime soon or.... Witnesses later agreed, we were all just holding our breaths, waiting for the moment she would pop open that microwave and turn it on, too. The Lunch Lady seemed completely unembarrassed and unfazed by the whole debacle. She continued rattling around the plastic bags and containers until she was good and ready. She then took her time collecting her bags once again before she left. One last winning photo was taken, *snap* and I finally proceeded.

It was annoying, but it was an experience I will never forget. And the new-found solidarity I found between myself and my audience gave me the confidence to move forward even more comfortably than before. To all of those who came to my thesis defense, I thank you so much for being a part of this experience with me (and not just the Lunch Lady portion). And to all of those who helped push me along the thesis path, thank you as well. Good luck to those of you who have yet to defend! Si se puede!

WTF AZ?

I have been putting the finishing touches on my thesis. The concluding remarks I am adding at this point are more of a reflection of the "idea" of Latin America (to use Mignolo's phrase). One of my main closing arguments is that San Diego is Latin America, and thus belongs rightly as a space studied for a Latin American Studies thesis along with its sister city of Tijuana. (Although perhaps it would be more accurate to say that "Latin America" in itself is a problematic construction and concept invented to be a distinction between the "two worlds" of the Americas. Shit, I don't even believe in the concept or use of Latin America anymore and I am about to have a degree in "Latin American Studies").

In my conclusion I discuss how nationality was not used as an identifier for my informants because national identity becomes fluid for many inhabitants of the US-Mexico borderlands. I argue that by highlighting politically and socially constructed borders, the US practices a continued colonization of Mexico. By reinforcing what makes "Us" different from "Them," one group posits itself as superior. I just finished writing about how labeling individuals of the borderlands as "Mexican" or "American" is inappropriate in an area where many are likely to have more in common with someone on the other side of the border than their own.

But just as I am writing all of this into my conclusion, Arizona governor Jan Brewer signs a bill that legalizes racial profiling in the state in order to combat illegal immigration. Pardon my spit take. Alicia Mendez sums up some of the details and problems with this bill here. This is scary business, folks. To begin, the probable future of racial/ethnic/(lingual?) profiling in Arizona that will come about as a result of this measure is sickening. How can you tell if someone is an illegal immigrant, meriting probable cause to ask for proof of citizenship? Well I'll tell you one thing, I won't be stopped on the Arizona streets anytime soon due to SB 1070. So we can cross off gingers (daywalkers?) off the suspicion list... But what confuses me more than ever is the contradiction present in the conservative agenda here. Tea partiers are all up in arms because they think their freedoms are being taken away, right? Less government control, they say. And yet, they agree with a measure that will make it so that every Arizona citizen may have to carry around papers that confirm your legal residence in the US. And if you don't have that information at hand you can be detained. (Not if you are Anglo, though).

And one more thing...Are we forgetting the history of Mexico and the US Southwest?
I feel like I am in a weird time warp. What's next? I am officially scared about the direction things have been going lately. This climate of fear has a lot of people spring loaded and ready to pounce. And those people have guns.

It is at times like this that I need to take a deep breath, remember the teachings of Leslie Marmon Silko's Almanac of the Dead, and hope that I am not left to befall the same fate as the Destroyers.

Update 04.27: I love that Mexico has responded with a travel advisory for Mexicans traveling to Arizona. "Although details on how the law will be enforced remain unclear, the ministry said, 'it must be assumed that every Mexican citizen may be harassed and questioned without further cause at any time.'"

Poppies Will Make Them Sleep

I feel as though I have been suffering from bouts of some form of narcolepsy lately. I'll say up front that this is hyperbole and I don't mean to belittle or trivialize the disease. But I have nodded off the past three times I have been a passenger in a car. I don't have the same spunk and excitement for going out as I used to. It has even been hard to motivate myself to go out in this wonderful weather this weekend to Strouds Run or Fox Lake or Dow Lake or Bong Hill as I certainly would have during my undergrad days. I mean, here I am writing this, looking out the window but not engaging in the outdoors. I will remedy this by at least going on a walk after this. And I really want to orchestrate a trip to Moonville Tunnel, especially for those who have never experienced its glory.

(Here are some photos I have taken at Moonville Tunnel)

I can only hope that by defending my thesis a little earlier in the quarter that I can snap out of this funk and go back to enjoying life. But until then, to my friends with whom I hang out with in the "real world": I apologize for my MIA status as of late, and please be patient as I try to channel a more lively Melissa in the coming month. Fortunately, I have been making excellent progress on my thesis. I have very few revisions to make and a conclusion (5-10 pages) to write. At this rate, it looks as though my committee really will get two weeks to read it before the defense date.

It is official! I defend my thesis on Friday, May 7, 2010. What a relief May 8th will be. And that night I will get to celebrate with lots of friends at Tootharoo '10, a yearly camping trip at my friend Chris' cabin with dozens of our closest friends.

Healthcare Reform

I apologize for my recent absenteeism. It is likely to continue for the next couple of weeks because I have a lot of thesising to do! My entire rough draft is due a week from today, a final will be due to my committee about a week after that, and in 4-5 weeks I should be defending. So if you don't hear from me before then, that is why.

I have been wanting to write about my familial struggles regarding health care reform, but I had been concentrating my energy and efforts into writing out letters and compiling documents into a simple statement about my feelings regarding health care. These packets are intended for my family, who over Grandma's birthday dinner at Ye Olde Outback Steakhouse, attacked the prospects of health care reform. Not only that, but this conversation evolved into an asinine detour regarding Obama's nation of birth.

So I will make a mini-statement here about my feelings about health care reform. I am fairly happy with the developments that have been made because they are a step in the right direction. Anyone expecting anything more radical at this juncture needs to wake up and smell the coffee (or the coffin placed on a democratic delegate's front lawn as a protest to their support of the bill). If I have learned anything from the women involved in environmental work I interviewed for my thesis, I have learned that baby steps are a necessity for any change. That being said, I applaud the passing of the health care bill, despite its flaws and despite the little matter that Representative Stupak contributed (in a nutshell, no federal funding for abortion proceedures). I only wish that this bill would have been passed years ago, when I was a college graduate under the age of 26 with no health insurance. I am very happy for those who will be able to now stay on their parents' health insurance plans until the age of 26.

What upsets me most of all about this whole debacle is how worked up, angry and violent the opposition is becoming. And I'm not necessarily referring to all this "isolated incident" talk, but rather to the reaction of my family to this whole thing. I fervently defend my political beliefs, but as a rule, I try not to bring up politics around my family, especially my extended family. Now under the Bush regime, everyone in my family was happy, I maintained my political silence around them, and for the most part, peace abounded in their lives, while I privately battled the demons of the Bush administration. But now that things are not going their way for the first time in 8 years, everyone seems to be involved in the political arena, and everyone in my family seems to have been informed by Glenn Beck. In my defense, they are the ones who have been bringing up the subject of health care reform, and I am the one voice of opposition (reason?) in their lives. Maybe it is something I need to work on, but I simply cannot maintain silence when my grandmother looks at me and tells me she is scared for what this health care reform is going to do to the elderly and this country in general. I had never, ever heard my grandma talk politics or about the government. Wanting to share with her that I don't think she should be scared, and that health care reform can be a great thing for many people including myself, I told her that I was excited for a change in a clearly broken health care system. What followed was a hodgepodge of "Where's the birth certificate?" and "This country was founded on freedom and we are losing that," among other questions and comments. Coming at me from all sides at the family-style seating, I can no longer even distinguish who said what or who attacked whom. I do know that something changed that night involving our family dynamics. I also know that I lost sleep and sanity as a result of the hubbub.

Several hours later, I suffered from another episode of an "opthalmic migraine." I put this in quotations because I am still not 100% certain that is what it is, but basically I get stroke symptoms, my vision goes haywire and my extremities and lips go numb for a short period of time. I get confused and have trouble reading, writing, and remembering. It is a scary thing to go through, and there really isn't much I can do besides ride out the 1-2 hour happening. I don't know what set it off, and it is still not even widely understood in the medical community. But I feel that maybe, just maybe, the stress about this whole health care thing has contributed to my recent episode. Due to health care reform debates, I must seek health care.

So if you see me within the next couple of weeks/months, we can talk about anything. But please lets not talk about health care reform, ok?

Update: Found this interesting...from http://www.stat.columbia.edu/~cook/movabletype/mlm/healthscatter2.png

Empowerment

As you may know, my thesis is about women involved in environmentally-related organizations on the US-Mexico border. In my thesis I investigate whether or not women are becoming empowered as a result of this activism. Of those women who consider themselves empowered, I want to know if they consider themselves feminists or if they are participating in any kind of activities that seek to improve the lives of women in their community, even if they don't embrace the term "feminist."

One of the biggest challenges has been the use of language. First of all, the term "empowered" is not literally translatable into Spanish. I asked one bilingual informant who was born in Mexico and went to grad school in Great Britain if they have a term that encompasses this, if the literal translation "empoderad@" works. She told me that she would know what I meant by that term, but I have a feeling it would require an understanding of English, Spanish and the idea of empowerment in the first place in order to embrace this term.

Another challenge with language is how to define the term empowerment, even in English. Trying to find a consensus of empowerment in the academic literature is understandably hard. But I have trouble, even in casual conversation, describing what exactly empowerment is. It might be the ability to control your own life and have equal control over resources despite class, race, sex, sexuality, ethnicity... For some people, it could mean obtaining knowledge. Some may think an empowered woman is an unmarried woman because she does not rely on, or have to compromise with a partner. It varies with each individual, and I don't think it can be quantified by comparing a list of traits (i.e. person A is more empowered than person B because she exhibits more of these traits).

My own personal empowerment is not something I was born with. I didn't achieve it in high school or even early on in my undergraduate experience when I studied abroad for the first time or took my first women's studies class. It didn't even come as a result of my chainsaw-wielding experience in the deserts of New Mexico (ok, maybe just a little. I miss those chainsaw muscles). It has been a slow process, for which I don't think I could pinpoint the exact milestones of empowerment achievement. (So how do I expect my interviewees to do the same?). I do know that one aspect of my empowerment was achieved this quarter, and it has nothing to do with my academic achievements per se.

I have been taking the Women's and Gender Studies capstone course this quarter. It was my final official class of graduate school. It has been quite a departure from the gender and development courses I have taken up to this point. My previous classes have had a strong focus on the theory and literature. We would spend most of our time talking about (sometimes) abstract concepts as applied to the readings, and it felt a little detached from reality. Other students in the course would complain that talking all of this theory did not help when it came to the real world and how they would bring empowerment through their actual development work. It did not feel necessarily practical. This quarter, although the readings have been intense, the class discussion has been heavily based on personal experience. We would read about "hegemonic masculinities" and "heteronormativity in schools," for example, and then we would talk about our experiences in high school and beyond. How do you see hegemonic masculinities in your own lives? Several (many?) students in this class complained that we did not focus enough on the theory. I understand their complaints, but coming from a history of classes that went overboard on theory, it was a welcome change. It is expressly because of the emphasis on personal experience in the class that I personally felt empowered. Empowerment, to me, is feeling that your own experiences matter and are relevant to the things you dedicate your life to studying. I have spent 2 years taking classes like global feminisms where the focus is primarily on women from other nations (read: developing world, global south, etc.) and their experiences. I feel that women from other countries and their experiences were favored in this class, while the only thing I could offer were second-hand accounts of my experiences in other countries. No one ever really asked me how my life related to any of the readings. I felt distant and removed from the subject matter a lot of the time, and that shouldn't be, because I AM a global feminist!

It was nice to have a class where I could finally relate the readings and subject matter to my own life. It gave me a new perspective on things and made me feel that my experience counted for something. I was disappointed on the last day of class when our discussion mostly centered around negativity. Some students felt the class was too western-centered and that it was not theoretical enough. Once again, I understand their complaints because I have felt the same way but on the other side of the spectrum. It is sad that not everyone could take away the same empowering experience from that class as I did. Though I suppose they may have felt empowered through their participation in classes like global feminisms. The only thing is, at the end of the quarter in global feminisms, we didn't have such a discussion.

It is my hope that everyone doing research in a realm that may seem miles away from their own reality can step out of the intellectual side of big theoretical terms, just every once and a while, and see that their personal experience is important, too.

Career Commitment Phobia and Higher Education ADD

So I am coming to the end of my thesis. I am working on my results section, which is pretty much the final nail in the ol' thesis coffin. I will of course make many alterations to the other 4 chapters I have "finished," but what I am trying to get at is, the end is nigh. With school, there is always an end in sight with each little step of the way. But most of these ends are actually little hiccups. They are little pauses in productivity where you can actually not feel guilty for taking a break because you finished an assignment. Sometimes these hiccups are very short-sighted, like when I have a 2-page reading response. Once I get that done, I have reached the end of a task, one more thing to check off the list. Some hiccups are a little longer. Most notably, once I finish a semester, I get rewarded with a little vacation before it is time to load up with a fresh set of deadlines. My big pending deadline with my thesis is less of a hiccup and more of...the cliff of higher education, maybe. This means that once this thesis is really done, and I have reached my deadlines, there is no assignment waiting for me on the other side. Well except for maybe one...Get a job.

I like the sense of accomplishment I get out of completing an assignment or a semester. It gives me an excuse to let loose, travel, sleep, play videogames, consume substances. It lets me pretend that I am not responsible for meaningful productivity, at least for a little while. I don't think that a career gives me this same kind of freedom. After working for a company for a while, sure, I'll get paid vacation (or not. See my post about working for nonprofits). But there is no final assignment per se. I just think there are less hiccups to take advantage of in the real world.

Deep down I think I secretly hope that all of this hard work will pay off in that I will eventually build up enough productivity credits so that I will never have to be productive again. I know it's not just me, but all us Generation Y-ers are on this quest to do as little as possible while making the most amount of money possible. To be blatantly and embarrassingly honest, that is what I want, too. But you know, if I could sit around and watch movies, play videogames and consume substances all day every day, it probably wouldn't take me too long to get sick of that, too. I think I've gotten to the root of my problem in that I tire of things very easily. I want to complete one thing so I can move onto the next new thing.

Case in point: If I choose a career, I am afraid that I will get sick of it very quickly. My BA is in Spanish, but I also received certificates for Environmental Studies and Latin American Studies during my undergrad. I took a bunch of Plant Biology classes to change pace from those three areas of study. Now I am working toward my masters in LAS, and my thesis focuses on gender. Now I am obsessed with feminism and gender. My "skills minor" for the program is Second Language Education which comes from a combination of teaching Spanish, English and learning Portuguese. In other words, I am all over the map. What kind of job can I find that encompasses all of these things? Because I'll tell you right now, if I choose a career as a Spanish teacher I will get bored with the endless sea of grading and lesson-planning and teaching a language instead of something a little more "enlightening." If I work for a nonprofit that focuses on "women's issues" I will get bored with such a narrow scope. If I work for an environmental organization, I will probably get sick of that, too. Just like I quit softball, horseback riding and piano lessons when I was younger, even if it's just for fun, I can't stay with the same thing forever.

That is why I am thinking more and more about pursuing a PhD. Because I am ready to move on to something completely different. By going for a PhD, maybe I will not feel trapped in what I am doing, as it will not be set in stone as a career choice. I have already thought of possible dissertation topics that have nothing to do with gender or the environment. I want to study geography or media studies.

Hi. My name is Melissa and I have higher education ADD and career commitment phobia.

Prioritize your Life

You would think with my chronic and excessive worrying that I would be really good at prioritizing my most pressing obligations. My particular branch of worrying does not function that way.

Until my junior year of high school, I would say I was the opposite of a procrastinator. I would get an assignment, start working on it that day, and have it finished way before the deadline. Friends and acquaintances, panicking while throwing together an assignment at the last minute, would always blame their habit of procrastinating. Sometimes, they would ask me how I was coming along on said assignment, and I would lie, faking a procrastinator lifestyle myself. Why did I want to appear to be a procrastinator? It could have been because I wished that I had tons of cool things to keep me from doing my assigned work, or that dreaded "learning isn't cool" attitude that plagues not only high school, but college students as well (I see this play out in my Spanish class all of the time). Maybe because "everyone else" was procrastinating, I wanted to too. By my junior year of high school, I began to embrace the thrill of procrastination, as I adopted a more, *ahem*, well-rounded lifestyle that mixed work and play. Now, my very definition of self revolves around this balance between work and play. While I might not go out as much as I did in my undergrad, I cannot function in the academic realm without cramming in many hours of (what I call) recreation.

So now I am a procrastinator, I guess. At the very least, even if I do something productive, I do not prioritize. Exhibit A- This very blog. I should not be writing in this now, and if you get right down to it, I never should have started "La Pajarita Dice" in the first place. At least not until I knocked out my (supposed) number one priority, my master's thesis. (by the way, I just looked it up, and master's thesis isn't supposed to be capitalized).<-web of procrastination. In general, I make myself productive in some way to prove to myself that I am still as diligent as my early high school years. So I will feel productive after I write this entry. I will also feel productive after I look up 5 different versions of "Welcome to Tijuana" by Manu Chao to find the one most appropriate to play for my Spanish class, then think of some discussion questions to go to the song (will I write them on the board or use powerpoint?) Oh yeah, and I already planned today's class in its entirety, so I really shouldn't be adding anything. We rarely get through my whole lesson plan each class period anyway. This is my Exhibit B. Exhibit C- Then there are things I feel guilty about putting off, but when I do them I will be putting off thesis work to do them. Like working out. I have Wii Fit so I can have no excuse not to exercise. It's too cold outside, Ping Rec Center is too far, I can't leave the house right now. Well, that's what exergaming is for.


In case you haven't guessed, I am about to go do some Wii Fit to rid myself of this guilt. What will I do about the guilt I have about not even looking at a thesis-related document today? Maybe I will get some reading done for my Women and Gender Studies class, and that will be academically productive. Right? RIGHT? Ooo maybe I'll go grocery shopping! Needless to say, I will probably leave the most important thing for last.