Teaching Funk

I'm in kind of a teaching funk lately. Which is unfortunate because I have applied to be a Spanish teacher at 5 different universities/colleges in Ohio and California. I call this a funk because maybe it is temporary and I will fall back in line in a couple of days, as many of us often do... Personally, I think I'm good at teaching Spanish for the most part. I try to simplify grammar by making it visual, and I break it down thoroughly. I've had students say that compared to previous Spanish teachers I make things very understandable. Then again, I think every TA probably has some students tell them that because we all teach differently and all students learn best through different strategies.

Enter: the problem. When I get anxious, all of my well-thought-out planning goes to shit. I start to confuse myself, and when that happens how am I supposed to explain it to a room of 21 confused faces? I get the simplest madlibs terms (verbs, nouns) mixed up not because I forget what they are, but because under pressure I'm just spitting out words without thinking. Try explaining why the gerund in English is actually represented in Spanish through both the infinitive and the gerund. And the thing is, I have done that successfully. To a T. Twice. This is my third time teaching this lesson. But something escaped me this time. After some toying with the concepts last night, I think I've broken it down adequately, and I will be reviewing the lesson to make sure it's clear. But when you have a room full of students giving you nonverbal clues that they have no idea what you are talking about, it's a little disheartening.

And that isn't even necessarily why I have been thinking that I don't want to teach. Mostly I feel less enthused about the whole thing for two reasons.
1. Many students here HAVE to take a foreign language. They don't want to be there, they hate Spanish, and they fight me and the language every step of the way. This makes it hard for me to get the information through to them, because all they can think about is how miserable they are taking a class that "will never help" them "in the real world" (I beg to differ by the by). When they resist, it really is just making it harder on them. I end up spending so much time dumbing down the material that the students who actually do care are bored stupid. I would like to apologize to them, because they are the best students.
2. Because we are in a system where grades mean everything, students want to fight with me over every point. Most often, they try to weasel their way out of the attendance policy, which I follow strictly in order to keep my job. Lately students have been basically asking me what each point I take off is for. If I give a student a 4/5 on participation for March 28, they want to know why. What happened to the authority of a teacher? I think that being a TA makes students think they can walk all over you. Especially with me because I do happen to take it easy on them sometimes. Give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Anyway, maybe if I could teach a Spanish class full of people that actually want to be there, I would be happy with my job. And those few students who care and try do make it all worth while. So it feels hypocritical to make those students sit through the bullshit so that I can make things easier on the students who don't study or pay attention as much. So it might be time for a new policy.

Also I don't think chai is much better when it comes to anxiety. I guess I'm going to have to resort to...hot water? Megann suggested yerba mate. I haven't gotten the good ol' mate out in a while, so that might be my experimental pick-me-up drink next week.

Career Commitment Phobia and Higher Education ADD

So I am coming to the end of my thesis. I am working on my results section, which is pretty much the final nail in the ol' thesis coffin. I will of course make many alterations to the other 4 chapters I have "finished," but what I am trying to get at is, the end is nigh. With school, there is always an end in sight with each little step of the way. But most of these ends are actually little hiccups. They are little pauses in productivity where you can actually not feel guilty for taking a break because you finished an assignment. Sometimes these hiccups are very short-sighted, like when I have a 2-page reading response. Once I get that done, I have reached the end of a task, one more thing to check off the list. Some hiccups are a little longer. Most notably, once I finish a semester, I get rewarded with a little vacation before it is time to load up with a fresh set of deadlines. My big pending deadline with my thesis is less of a hiccup and more of...the cliff of higher education, maybe. This means that once this thesis is really done, and I have reached my deadlines, there is no assignment waiting for me on the other side. Well except for maybe one...Get a job.

I like the sense of accomplishment I get out of completing an assignment or a semester. It gives me an excuse to let loose, travel, sleep, play videogames, consume substances. It lets me pretend that I am not responsible for meaningful productivity, at least for a little while. I don't think that a career gives me this same kind of freedom. After working for a company for a while, sure, I'll get paid vacation (or not. See my post about working for nonprofits). But there is no final assignment per se. I just think there are less hiccups to take advantage of in the real world.

Deep down I think I secretly hope that all of this hard work will pay off in that I will eventually build up enough productivity credits so that I will never have to be productive again. I know it's not just me, but all us Generation Y-ers are on this quest to do as little as possible while making the most amount of money possible. To be blatantly and embarrassingly honest, that is what I want, too. But you know, if I could sit around and watch movies, play videogames and consume substances all day every day, it probably wouldn't take me too long to get sick of that, too. I think I've gotten to the root of my problem in that I tire of things very easily. I want to complete one thing so I can move onto the next new thing.

Case in point: If I choose a career, I am afraid that I will get sick of it very quickly. My BA is in Spanish, but I also received certificates for Environmental Studies and Latin American Studies during my undergrad. I took a bunch of Plant Biology classes to change pace from those three areas of study. Now I am working toward my masters in LAS, and my thesis focuses on gender. Now I am obsessed with feminism and gender. My "skills minor" for the program is Second Language Education which comes from a combination of teaching Spanish, English and learning Portuguese. In other words, I am all over the map. What kind of job can I find that encompasses all of these things? Because I'll tell you right now, if I choose a career as a Spanish teacher I will get bored with the endless sea of grading and lesson-planning and teaching a language instead of something a little more "enlightening." If I work for a nonprofit that focuses on "women's issues" I will get bored with such a narrow scope. If I work for an environmental organization, I will probably get sick of that, too. Just like I quit softball, horseback riding and piano lessons when I was younger, even if it's just for fun, I can't stay with the same thing forever.

That is why I am thinking more and more about pursuing a PhD. Because I am ready to move on to something completely different. By going for a PhD, maybe I will not feel trapped in what I am doing, as it will not be set in stone as a career choice. I have already thought of possible dissertation topics that have nothing to do with gender or the environment. I want to study geography or media studies.

Hi. My name is Melissa and I have higher education ADD and career commitment phobia.